All characters in this story are entirely fictitious but with such lifelike characterisations you probably know someone exactly like them. The Councillor "John," Sandra said between sucks as she woke me with a blow job, "Did you know Councillors get nine thousand quid a year for doing fuck all?" "No," I agreed, "How do you know?" "Al told me," Sanda said, "He said he was going to be a Literal Democrat Councillor and get nine thousand quid for doing fuck all." "That's about the size of it," I said "Getting paid for doing fuck all, no fucking wonder Al wants to do it!" "You should do it" she said.
"Sand," I says, "Get yourself some mouthwash I want to kiss you!" "Oi," she says "That's out of order," but she padded off to the bathroom and when she came back she climbed on my cock as I lay there and I kissed her mouth, she tasted real nice and minty, and she had to hump me and do all the work to bring me off. She went home after a while and when I finished work on the Council Bin lorry after a gruelling ninety minute shift from half ten to twelve and after a few bevvies down the Red Lion I went and had a word with Al and he said come down the Lib Dem meeting room and have a chat to the Committee, it sounded all right, so I went to see Stan Greening and Margaret Ash down Whetherfield Lib Dem Association's office in Clare Street, a grotty little place over Mr Plaice the kebab shop.
They kept me hanging about for ages, and then asked all these stupid questions like "How long have you been interested in Politics Mr Althwaite?" they asked.
"Since yesterday why?" I asked "Oh, and what would like to see change in the next four years?" they asked. "Get rid of the Pedophiles mainly," I said.
"And?" Miss Ash added. "The queers." I added, "And pay the workers more." "What about Immigrants?" Stan asked. "Oh yes, and them." I agreed. "Mr Althwaite seventy per cent of our active members are lesbian or homosexual!" Miss Ash exclaimed. "Right, I got nothing against Lesbians," I said, "Al's got some good videos of." "Mr Althwaite, please!" Miss Ash exclaimed as she blushed crimson, "Look Im not saying I want to watch you," I reassured her.
"Ugh you horrible, horrible man," she says losing her marbles. "Mr Althwaite," Stan Greening suggested, "I suggest you try the BNP if you wish to become a councillor, now please leave." I bet he regretted saying that, dopy bugger.
"Right, thanks," I said, "For nowt!" and I stormed off out, fucking BNP for christs sake, load of morons, spiky haired thugs, I knew they met in the Flying Pig on Rosamund street so I went straight round. "You right Johnno?" someone asked, it were Norman Biggins from the Butchers, dressed all in black like a pregnant SS officer he was, see we played footie for the school under 13 team before he got too breathless from the fags.
"Yeah, you?" I asked. "All right, what you drinking," he asked. "Fucking cyanide," I said, "Fucking Lib Dems told me to fuck off." "And me," he said, "Just because I battered that Simpkins bastard when he touched me up." "Christ," I said.
"Fucking wimps," he said, "What you want, they got Stella." (Artois) "Pims and Lemon," I said, he fucking thought I was serious, "No Stella is ok," We got chatting, "Fucking trouble is as soon we goes out canvassing some bastard attacks us and makes out its us what started it when they comes off worst," Norman says.
"They fucking throw stuff and all," Billy Hillman added, "I went down town hall to a meeting and got smacked with a rotten egg." "Christ," I said "And I broke two fingers when I smacked the bastard what chucked it," he added. "I fancy being a Councillor," I said, and I had a few more jars and I must have signed something because next thing I knew this bloody letter arrived at home saying I was their official candidate for the Warmsby ward of Whetherfield Council.
It's all very fucking well thinking about being a councillor but when you see nine grand a year up for grabs for just sitting around doing fuck all it gets serious. See I wasn't born stupid it took eighteen years practice, but there was this "Meet the Candidate" night at the Subscription Rooms so I went down there with Al and a few others, turned out he was standing for Whetherby Ingleside ward so well we went in together and they thought I was a Lib Dem.
I quite liked it, talking bollocks to about twenty bored fuckers what couldn't give a toss, "And what do you think should be done about Pedophiles?" someone asked. "Hang them from a lampost by their bollocks," Al said.
"Oh no!" I said, of course I was going to say if you do that their bollocks come off, but you know. "Oh," this old cow said, "I thought BNP supported violent retribution." "Yes but hanging Pedo's by the bollocks don't work." I said. "Quite right!" the old cow said so I shut up. Turned out she was from the Mercury, and it was fucking headlines in Tuesdays chip paper, "BNP rejects Lib Dem call for violence." Norman was straight round the depot, "What the fuck did you mean, 'not hang Pedos up by the bollocks?" "It don't fucking work," I said, "Their bollocks tear off," I told him.
"They need a hook up their ass." "You ent wrong mate," he said thoughtfully, "Fucking hell if our lads know you wants a hook up the Pedo's ass and the other cunts think we gone soft you could do all right on Thursday." "Thursday?" I asked.
"Polling day you pillock." he said. =================================================== "Sandra," I says as she got home around half three, "You know I joined the BNP." she looked shocked, "They think I got a chance of becoming a councillor." "Oh Johnno, can you wangle me a council house without me having a kid./" she asked. "No, I fucking can't" I said and grabbed her. "Mind my knickers they're," she said as I ripped them off her, "My good ones or they were." We fucked there and then, the sunlight glistened on her brown hair as I pounded her, at least until I saw old Doris from number thirty two watching us and I closed the front door with me foot, "Do you love me Johnno?" she says in mid fuck.
"What's not to love," I says, "I reckon I do, it's like you always been here." "Oh Johnno!"she says and gave my prick an extra squeeze that sent cum bursting up my shaft to flood her insides, "I love you too!" she said, "Now what about these Pedos you got to sort out." "Bloody hell Sandra!" I said, "How should I know that's Al's problem," but it weren't because Billy came round with a load of old meat hooks which were rusty or bent or blunt. "Bloody hell Billy, I wasn't fucking serious!" I said.
"Well that's a fucking shame," Billy said sadly, "I quite fancied ramming a few of these up Pedo's fucking asses and letting them swing from fucking lamp posts." "Tell you what, if I get elected I'll fucking do it," I agreed pretty stupidly.
I went round with some BNP leaflets next day, "BNP" I says knocking on the doors. "What you going to do for us?" people asked. "Fuck all, I just want the nine grand a year for doing fuck all," I said.
"Fucking hell an honest politician," or "Bollocks," or "Fuck off." was the replies. Poor old Al was doing the Lib Dem ones, round the posh bit of town. "You let the students down and the anti tory lobby down and the Yackity Yackity Yack," the Lib Dem supporters banged on, "That Nick Clegg." Poor old Al thought they meant the old codger who cleaned the bogs outside the Town Hall, he never realised Nick Clegg was deputy Prime Minister, and if he did he thought he was a Tory.
I had me own troubles, "What about the Pakistanis?" someone asked. "Well who else wants to sell fags at two in the morning, all the corner shops would have to close if they went home," I explained. "What about the Chinese?" they said.
"Well who's going to run the chip shop?" I replied and they saw my point. "What about the Muslims," they asked. "Better than the fucking Jehovahs witnesses, and what about the fucking Moonies and Scientologists, most of them are Pedo's." I told them, anyway by dinner time twenty people said they would vote for me and the rest said they wouldn't vote BNP even if there wasn't any other candidate, so reminded them voting was Friday, a day later than anywhere else because it was a day off for the Muslims.
"And if you don't like the BNP write summat nasty like "Fuck the BNP," across ballot paper," I suggested. I don't remember the election, I had ten pints at dinner time and a few more after tea and we went down Town Hall, I sort of slumped in a chair and then after a lot of fuss the results were announced.
"Alan Alvin Allington, Lib Dem, One hundred and Two votes, Winston DeLaney Makatuka, Labour, Ninety Eight votes, Norman Stanley Biggins, Brentford Nationalist Party, Seventy Four votes," some prat prattled on, "And I duly declare the aforementioned Alan Alvin Allington to be the duly elected councillor, duly elected for the Ingleside ward of Whetherfield Borough Council," he said in stunned disbelief.
"Fucking hell Al, you're on!" I gasped.
"Bloody hell," Al said. "Speech!" someone shouted. "I would like to thank, old whats her name," Al said drunkenly before someone dragged him away. "You coming Johnno?" someone shouted.
"Nah, I'll stick it out!" I said and I tried to kip in rock hard council chair. "Ah hem," some weasly little council git said and woke me up, "Mr Althwaite would you please come and check the spoiled ballot papers." "Why?" I asked. "There are rather a lot of them," he said, "Please!" Christ was he right, this huge pile, "Most say something rude about the BNP," he said as he showed me them one by one.
"So?" I said, "Two hundred and six out of one three hundred and eighteen ballot papers issued." he said, "Said Fuck the BNP or something similar." "So they fucking hate me," I said "Big deal!" "But of the unspoiled papers you had fifty two votes," he said, "The UK Independence Party candidate thirty eight and." "You won!" Sandra said, "Johnno, you won!" "Fucking hell!" I said and I fainted.
I woke up with a TV blokes microphone in me face, "Congratulations Mr Allthwaite," he said, "What do you hope to achieve by this momentous victory." "Clear the place of Pedo's" I suggested. "Hang them from lamp posts by their bollocks?" he asked. "No that's Lib Dems," I said, "It don't work their bollocks come off, no stick a meat hook up their ass and let them swing from that!" I said. And he fainted. "Must be a Pedo," Sandra said.